Another year, another family-friendly,
safe-as-armed-patrolled-houses performance from all those present at Los
Angeles' Gibson Amphitheatre for the annual Teen Choice Awards
Are One Direction old enough to get married?
Now that teenagers can show their allegiance to their favourite pop
stars, actors and comedians through intense GIFing, Twitter hashtags and
maudlin comments left on intern-run Facebook fan pages, do the Teen
Choice awards still matter? Well, yes, because this is where all the
assorted celebrities that teendom salivate over can put on their best
smiles, shiniest frocks, spangliest jeans and show themselves to be
really squeaky-clean and kid-friendly, no matter what showbizland's
assorted nightclub bouncers, runners and tour managers could say to the
contrary.
So, just to spice things up, I've done a list of the ten things which WON'T happen at tonight's child-star-studded event.
1. Someone will leave with a prize that's small enough to fit into an actual trophy cabinet.
Now,
this won't happen because the Teen Choice Awards are presented to the
lucky winners in the form of a surfboard. This is meant to represent the
freedom of a teenage summer. (Makes you wonder why they don't just hand
out jugs of frothy post-vomit WKD) Although Catfish has taught us that
Americans of all social standings somehow manage to have houses the size
of, well, Americans, where is Taylor Swift meant to fit all of her
surfboards?
2. Demi Lovato and Hailee Steinfeld will
perform an ode to Miley Cyrus's We Can't Stop Video. It will climax in
Demi snogging Hailee in a hot-tub.
This is HUGELY
unlikely. Hailee, who stars in the upcoming adaptation of Romeo and
Juliet opposite fit-tastic pillow-lipped beardy-boy Douglas Booth, is
actually pretty reserved for a teen star.
They'll still pretty though obviously... well, most of them will
3. The Wanted will look better than One Direction
NO
WAY NEVAH.!1!!11 Let's face it. No amount of distressed denim and
scowls are going to make the assorted odds and ends that comprise The
Wanted look as good as the carefully-selected, identically-heighted,
beaming-grinned One Direction. Also, when Max and co. catch a glimpse of
the happy-go-lucky 1D boys as they pick up their surfboard - they've
been nominated for two awards, while Simon Cowell's beautiful boy-bots
have just beat them to it with three nods (and Harry's been nominated
for the Choice Male Hottie AND for the Choice Smile prizes). At least
they won't have to decide who has to lug the surfboard home.
4. Liam Hemsworth will explain EXACTLY what's going on with him and Miley Cyrus
HIGHLY
unlikely. The sexy steel-eyed Australian is probably more likely to
simply swagger on in a fine suit (maybe without the jacket, there's
nothing more embarrassing than overdressing for an award show for
teenagers) and stoop down to the microphone - he's 6'3"! - to mumble
that someone or so-and-so has won such-and-such an award/surfboard. Come
to think of it, the gargantuan awards will look like skateboards next
to his mighty frame. Hmm…
Miley and the might form that is Liam
OK WHERE WAS I?
5. Lily Collins will solemnly
sit behind a drumkit while the intro from In The Air Tonight plays on
loudspeakers. As the drum solo comes in, she'll bang and crash about,
playing with all the sincerity and boldness of the gorilla in the
Cadbury's advert.
Definitely not. The mind never fails to
boggle at the fact that Phil Collins, he of the jumpers and comb-overs,
somehow is the biological father of Lily Collins, she of thick eyebrow
and sultry voice. But she doesn't seem to trade off of his world-wide
white-boy funkstar fame to get herself places - and we get a feeling
she's better known in America for dating Taylor Lautner than for who her
daddy is. So it's unlikely she's about to pay tribute to a British
chocolate advert, as funny as our imagination might find it.
6.
Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes will turn up arm-in-arm and deliver a
performance art rap about the perils of becoming a teen star.
This
definitely won't happen, because Lindsay is far too busy shacking up in
her new rental in New York (not exactly the Mecca of America's
healthy-living movement, but gives us faint hope that she might guest
star on an episode of Girls one day) following her spell in rehab and
Amanda Bynes is currently in the custody of medical professionals.
Robin seems to find something funny
7. Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines will be used as
walk-on music for Honey Boo Boo when she accepts the Choice TV Reality
Show award.
Potentially. Whatever you think of the song,
its lyrics and its video - ironic throwback to a golden era when it was
cool to objectify women, or, um, ironic throwback to a golden era when
it was cool to objectify women, it's catchier than nits and, without the
lyrics, wouldn't be THAT inappropriate to jump about excitedly on a
stage to. Unless, of course, little Honey Boo Boo collects her award
while dressed like any of the women in the Blurred Lines video. That's
when it gets wrong, right?
8. The backdrop on the red carpet will be all moody and grey.
Unless
there's a problem at the dedicated factory in LA which makes backdrops
for glitzy events (hold up, just considering alternative job prospects),
the Teen Choice Award's red carpet's backdrop will, just as every other
year, be decked out like a ravey glowstick's idea of a tropical theme
park.
9. Barack Obama will turn up to collect his award for Choice Twitter Personality.
About
as likely as Max George and Louis Tomlinson having a snog. Much respect
to the Teen Choice Awards for recognising the POTUS's tweets in this
shortlist, but actually, with 40 million followers and tweeted gems such
as "Worst birthday" - it's unlikely anyone will topple Justin Bieber's
claim to this accolade. Maybe he'd have had a better shot of it if he'd
only tweeted that Anne Frank "was a great girl. Hopefully she would have
been a belieber.” instead of just noting it down in the guestbook of
the Anne Frank museum.
10. You'll miss all of it
No
chance, as even if you can't find a livestreaming link somehow,
3am.co.uk will be covering all the gossip from the event from 6am on
Monday morning.
